Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Saddle, Schmaddle!

Like the empty pages with the month typed in unassuming font across the middle, I have not written a damn thing but renovation and shopping lists in months. Months. When was the last time this happened? How long will it go on? Have a ceased being a writer? Was that it?

I am unfortunately empty of chutzpah; devoid of gumption; my balls have shriveled up and crawled away disgusted in myself. 

I can't seem to get back into it.

Admittedly, and without wanting to sound like I'm justifying my ass off, it has been a particularly full-on couple few months. We've moved - twice,  renovated a cluster of sheds into a livable four bedroom home, driven a horse truck to Christchurch and purged our old place of our stuff, moved G into his Auckland apartment, had the flu, school holidays, ski season, and a general lack of energy to create anything beyond a cosy home out of a diseased pigs ear.

So now we are moved in, mostly unpacked, and I have my computer and office all set up will the block finally be over?

I don't know. Not today. Maybe not tomorrow. I'm fearful. I'm still reeling over the loss of all that editing of The Nereid. I know I should just open the file and read it. Start. But I can't. Every time I think of doing it I freeze up. I get distracted. I offer myself another flimsy excuse not to open the file. I'm terrified of it. What if that was it? What if I can't face the rewrite? What if everything I try is shit?

I'm a coward. And a procrastinator. And I feel in the losing of that work I have somehow lost myself. How self-indulgent and paltry of me.

But as much as I know I need to get over myself, I can't. Ridiculous.

1 comment:

  1. Awww sweetie...with as much as you've had goin on, and the loss of your beloved editing I can FULLY understand where you're at. One day you will wake up and think RIGHT!!!! Today's the day, and you will sit down at your puter and start again. Don't beat yourself up. Go with what you feel. You are a writer and you will write.

    We need a writers retreat!!!!!

    ReplyDelete